Man, I’m really starting to get the hang of this whole ‘drifting’ maneuver. I mean, I’m not consistently travelling at a ‘hyper’ pace, but I’m at least in the ballpark. There are intermittent bursts of hyperactivity. They mostly end with my face abruptly greeting a fluorescent totem, but no one ever said progress was painless.

Anyway, I’ve got bigger problems. I just know I’m going to get wiped out by that stupidly hard boss again. Moderately competent hyper-dashing is not enough this time.

I need the sword-slashy-drift upgrade.

That’s probably not what it’s called officially, but this game doesn’t really tell you what anything is called. I’m just left to presume that my attentive floating companion is named CyberNavi. This game’s way too cool for names and words. It does seem to have an alphabet, but if you think you’re entitled to know what is actually happening here, you better get out there and earn it. I’m just gonna google it later. I deciphered the language in Fez only to find that nobody in that world had anything of value to say. Fool me twice, etcetera. 

Slashy-Drift will do fine.

Now, if I can find just one more Gearbit, I’ll have enough chips to get that upgrade from the debonair upgrade-rodent. Then, both the Bird-Wizard Boss and his Swoopy-Hawk flunkies are toast.

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HOLD UP NOW IS THAT A SECRET-SYMBOL OVER THERE? WHY YES INDEED IT IS.

Yeah, I see you, inconspicuous secret-indicating icon, you cannot hide from me. I’ve retrained my vision to identify your whereabouts in even the darkest of corners. They’ve evolved beyond being mere eyes. They’re laser precise secret-symbol location devices.

Please. Just please, let this be the juicy loot score I so desperately need it to be. Or really, just be anything but one of those holograms, because they are boring. ‘SO BORING.’ That’s me when I get a hologram instead of a real reward for trying.

Okay, activate the panels, it’s time to get paid.

*revelatory chime sound*

Oh, I adore that sound. If discovering things made a noise, it would sound just like that.

The magically invisible path has been revealed!

Now to simply drift,

drift,

Driffffuck.

The magically invisible path has been revealed!

Now to simply drift,

drift,

Driiiift. Nicely done.

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It’s payday up in here! There I was, just expecting a single, measly Gearbit, and I ended up scoring a whole entire upgrade chip thingy! Slashy-Drift is in the bag. More importantly, I feel like I can finally start making some plans for the future, you know? Things are looking up. I’m gonna be unstoppable.

This. This moment, this game, this feeling of finding something that no one else ever has, it’s the business.

Bird-Wizard Boss is so done, he doesn’t even know.

Man, exploring in this game is super-rewarding. It’s worth it.

 

*later*

 

Okay Drake, how’re we gonna play this? Climb up to the rocky alcove, or slide down the cliffside?

I’m gonna go with… up. Because why not, right?!

Oh Drake, you’re so funny.

 

There’s a sparkly bit over in that corner. Let’s see, what are we working with here?

Oh… cool. It’s a decorative platter of some sort. Sorry, I mean it’s a mysterious artefact.

It would be nice as a fruit bowl; not to mention a real conversation starter.

“Oh this old, thing? Well, I found it in an alcove of the ancient Celtic ruins that I was being Nathan Drake in. Came up real nice after a polish! More Camembert, Sullivan?”

Oh, but I can’t actually do anything with it in the game, so I guess there is no Sully. No Camembert.

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It seems that I have the opportunity to press the options button and inspect it more closely.

No, I’m good, actually. I mean, whoever designed it really went the extra mile. Almost makes me feel obliged rotate the stick to get the full experience. But no, I’m good. 

I don’t think I’ll lay eyes upon this beautifully detailed, pointless trinket again.

I feel like I’ve found a lot of these baubles now. Oh, only 13 out of a possible 109. I really haven’t been thoroughly exploring potential ground-sparkle locations.

But really, how much do I care about collecting shiny ground treasure? Within the game itself, what have I lost by not diligently hunting them? What’s to be gained by retrieving every last one? Is there a slightly snug fitting ‘Sailor Drake’ character skin at stake here? No? I’ll probably just leave it then, since it’s all the same in the end.

It’s a good game, a great game.

But man, exploring in it is kind of… pointless.