Here’s your first and final warning that this post contains spoilers for a couple of games from 2015.

I’ve made some wonderful new friends this past year, and we’ve become pretty close. We’ve shared laughter, tears, existential crises and delved into our psyches. At this most wonderful time of the year, it’s a no brainer to celebrate with those we hold dearest.

Now, I’m not talking about actual people here – shout out to you, crippling social anxiety! No, I want to kick off 2016 in a truly festive, unique fashion – I want to party with some of my favourite video game characters from 2015. I’m ready to tear it up, and I think these guys are too, so I’m throwing a digital New Year’s Eve party.

Who’s on the guest list? Only the hippest, sassiest, and most generally awesome characters I’ve met this year. Ok, let’s do this. Who to start with?

Mettaton EX – Undertale

No party is worth having unless there’s a little star power involved, and stars don’t shine much brighter than the immeasurably fabulous Mettaton. With his undeniable charisma and flair for the dramatic, Metta would be the life of the party. As the bass drops, Metta would instigate an epic dance-off. Forget the canapés, Mettaton will be serving up some sassy realness through a tightly choreographed dance routine while the rest of us clumsily two-step in the corner. Ratings would go through the roof, which is particularly impressive as the party will not be broadcast in any way. It’s probably best I don’t tell him that some of the guests are human, as Mettaton has a slight prejudice towards them. This tension can result in an impromptu pop-quiz, where failure to correctly answer Metta’s esoteric questions generally leads to annihilation. Better keep the soda water handy, I’ve just had my carpets cleaned.

metta

Hannah and/or EveHer story

The question is, who do I make the invite out to? Hannah? Eve? What’s the protocol here? Now that I think of it, I can’t recall ever seeing the two of them in the same room. I’ll just invite both of them to avoid making a fatal faux pas. Either way, you never know what you’re gonna get with this good-time girl. We’ll sip gin and tonics while trash-talking our asshole ex-boyfriends.

She’s prone to slink off to the bathroom, returning minutes later with an inexplicable tattoo and a sultry new attitude. Definitely keeps you on yours toes, this one. Also, I’m gonna have to cover up all the mirrors; she gets this uncanny look in her eyes when she catches her reflection, and then she’s there for like, hours. Hopefully she’ll bring her guitar like she (rather unnecessarily) did to that police interview; she can serenade guests on the patio with a charming folk song that also functions as a blatant plot device. Let’s just hope no one starts a murder mystery roleplay. That shit gets real very fast with this girl.

Killing my buzz, Hann.

Killing my buzz, Hann.

Chloe Price – Life Is Strange  

I’m dreading my colossal hangover already. I’m no slouch in the party department, but I’m gonna struggle to keep up with this firecracker. Who cares, we’ll have a blast raging out to riot grrrl bands I’m not underground enough to know. Seriously though if she’s gonna blaze up, this time I’m making her do it outside. She’s burnt a hole on my couch, and I’d prefer that nasty weed smoke doesn’t seep into my curtains, I’m in a freaking rental. She’s totally gonna come because while in the US Chloe is just shy of the legal drinking age, here in Australia teenage binge drinking is not just strongly encouraged, it’s practically compulsory. I’ll make sure she paces herself though, when she’s had too many tequila shots she gets really bummed out about Rachel Amber and just wants to watch Twin Peaks reruns. Also there’s that thing about her being dead in an alternate timeline, and I just cannot have that conversation again.

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CHLOE. OUTSIDE. CURTAINS.

Catherine Chun SOMA

As an omnipresent digital consciousness there is literally no excuse for her not to come because I have a stable wi-fi connection. With her superior tech skills she could put together a dazzling laser light display as well as drop some futuristic dystopian beats that would get people throwing shapes on the d-floor in morally and ethically confronting ways. She tends to get a little philosophical as the night goes on, starting conversations like “what even makes us human, man?” which is fine, but if she corners you and asks if you’re interested in transcending your human form by digitally replicating your consciousness, swiftly excuse yourself to refresh your fruit punch. Trust me, it’s a total pyramid scheme. She is such a card. She might also know where to find some of those terrifying Proxies to bring the night to a close when I want to wrap things up. We fleshy creatures still need our eight hours, Cathy.

D-D-D-D-Drop the

D-D-D-Drop the bass and the questionable ethics.

RhysTales from the Borderlands

I’ve got four words for you. Epic. Finger. Gun. Battle. That in itself warrants an invitation, but Rhys is also a serious mover and shaker. He’s all about networking – taking names and cutting deals. Sometimes he’s a bit of an opportunist, but you gotta be in with Rhys if you wanna schmooze with the bigwigs of Atlas. You never really know where a chat with Rhys is gonna go; it’s like he has no control over his conversations. You can ask him a simple question and he’ll either be the sweetest little lamb, kind of a dick, totally non committal or sometimes just give you this vacant stare like he’s waited too long to respond and doesn’t know what to say. It’s awkward. But I’ve heard he doesn’t leave his bro Vaughn hangin’ for a bro-fist 88 percent of the time, so he’s still a pretty decent bro, bro.

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DropsyDropsy

While Dropsy is a professional performer who would no doubt entertain partygoers with a whimsical circus act, I’d better inform the guests in advance in case anyone has a severe aversion to clowns, especially since Dropsy often likes to greet new friends with a squelchy embrace. Sometimes he’ll bring his pet dog along too, which despite being cute and super helpful, I’m still unsure whether that’s make up or, um, blood on his face. I would ask Dropsy, but he’s not really one for traditional conversation. He prefers you to provide him with a series of pixelated images contained in speech bubbles; he’ll get the general idea. Because of that, the guy absolutely kills it at Pictionary. Totally bag Dropsy for my team, guys! He’ll also help you find your keys at the end of the evening, provided you have a detailed walkthrough pinpointing their exact location.

Walk into the club like what up I just need some companionship and acceptance.

Walk into the club like what up I need companionship and acceptance.

CodaThe Beginner’s Guide

He’s just so deep and intellectual, I think he’d bring a real gravitas to the evening. I feel instantly more cultured and edgy just by being in his presence. I don’t really get what he’s on about most of the time, but I want another opportunity to pick his brain. You know, go beneath the surface bullshit and find out what makes him tick. And oh my gosh if Davey Wreden ends up crashing we will totally serve him a devastating “you can’t sit with us” glare, while smugly sipping imported single-batch craft beer. Come to think of it though, Coda hasn’t got back to me about the party. I mean, an RSVP would be nice. I’m sure he got my emails. And I know he got my tweets and texts… I’m pretty sure he didn’t see me outside his house though. Why won’t he just TELL ME? I NEED TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON HERE. STOP IGNORING ME!!

I mean whatever, don’t come, I don’t even care.

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Wow. A simple “no thanks” on Facebook would have sufficed.

I think that rounds out the guest list nicely. Good crew, good times ahead. Just, please, no one tell Papyrus about this. That guy never leaves, and I still have some spaghetti in my freezer from last time.

Always with the damned spaghetti.