2015 has introduced me to a whole host of awesome characters. Some are charismatic and sexy, and some are more introverted and quiet.

Now, I’m no Simon Cowell, but I’m pretty sure this year I’ve found all the people I need to form a pretty crazy rock band. So guess what, I’m getting the guys together, and taking them out on the road!

On Drums… Ultra Greed – Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth

When I look at Ultra Greed, the new boss of Binding of Isaac, two thoughts immediately spring to my mind: Look at those arms, and look at dat ass. When you spend hours on end pounding away on the drums, thick muscular arms are an absolute must. When you fight him, he’s constantly stamping his feet – he’s clearly just itching to get behind the kit and start stamping on the pedals, to get that pounding bass drum going.

And of course, all rock stars need to be sexy. Just look at those buns – Ultra Greed has sex appeal coming out of every last pore.

isaac-afterbirth-ultra-greed-squats

On Bass… Hellion – Darkest Dungeon

Wild, unpredictable, and utterly ruthless – these are all essential qualities in any good bassist. With that blue makeup on her face, she’s obviously taken plenty of influence from Gene Simmons. And if she ever decides to quit the band, we can just head down to the stagecoach and pick up a replacement.

Plus she’ll give us an excuse to head to all the bars, casinos, and brothels we want to while we’re out on tour – we’ve got to keep her stress levels down somehow. We don’t want her getting struck down with an affliction and start going off on nihilistic rants about the futility of trying to make a career in the music industry.

Hellion

On Guitar… Max – Life Is Strange

Max is just your typical teenage girl. She enjoys nothing more than kicking back in her bedroom, playing her guitar, texting her friends… That’s when she’s not rewinding time of course. Max will never make a mistake on stage. If she plays a single wrong note, she can just rewind time back to where she messed up, and do it again. If the Hellion goes crazy in an interview, Max could rewind time to before the interview started, and lock her in a closet so she doesn’t mess things up for the band. Every successful band needs a good time traveller – did you know Chris Martin actually owns a TARDIS? Having Max around will help  the band succeed, and she’ll even add a little touch of teenage angst to the band’s sound.

Max Guitar

On Xylophone… Papyrus – Undertale

If there’s one thing classic cartoons taught me, it’s that skeletons are undoubtedly made out of xylophone keys. How many rock bands can you think of that feature a xylophone player? Bam, there’s the band’s hook. Papyrus is a skeleton and no one’s more qualified to be in a rock band than him. Life on the road can be tough, but wouldn’t the tour bus be so much more comfortable if you had Papyrus with you, cooking home made spaghetti for every meal?

Plus, Papyrus is asexual, meaning he won’t take all the groupies for himself. Which is a good thing because let’s face it… It doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or a girl – everyone wants some Papyrus loving. Just look at that sexy, sexy head bob…

Sexy Papyrus

On lead vocals… Mexican – 12 is better than 6

Mexican is a mysterious fellow. He doesn’t even have a name to call his own. He spent five years as a slave, being worked to death, dragging trolleys through a dark, dusty mine. Those memories have created mental scars that just can’t be healed by any non-professional. You know how he pours out all that pent-up emotion? He writes songs. He’s actually a very sensitive soul when he’s not blasting his way through wave after wave of enemies. Plus, years of drinking bourbon and smoking have given him the perfect voice for a rock singer. Also there’s no chance of him getting burned out by life on the road – he once walked from Mexico to Texas, with nothing more than a sombrero and a revolver.

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The band will be heading into the studio in early 2016, and good news – I just got off the phone with Geoff Keighley, and we’ve officially confirmed our performance at the Game Awards 2016. Although, that’s only if we can get Hellion to kick that nasty drinking habit, of course.

Got a suggestion for what the band should be called? Leave a comment down below!